Wherein I lost my religion, but found my faith.

"Jesus loves the little raptors..."

Religion has always been a mixed bag for me. I never truly understood how so many people worldwide could adhere to such things for a lifetime. I have long been a fickle sort of person. Just one of my many charming characteristics I suppose.
I was raised more or less an atheist. My father was at that time a staunch non-believer, although from what I heard he died a Mormon. My mother was raised Catholic, but rebelled against much of what she was taught. From Dad, I would get lectures on the foolishness of believers and from Mom, I would get lectures on how just being a good person is good enough for God. I'm not sure about my younger brother, but given his cross tattoo, I'm gonna guess that he is some flavor of Christian.
In my teens, I became a Christian...sort of. It didn't last very long, and I never felt as though I fit in with the church-going crowd. By the time I was 16, I was following a Wiccan path. I continued to be a solitary practitioner until my early twenties. Motherhood seemed to wipe out any time I had to enjoy any sort of spiritual path. That changed when I was about 24 or 25. I found Christianity again, and dove in whole hearted.
Most of my fellowship and learning came from the internet, although I did attend a few churches over the years. I joined a few different Christian mothers message boards, texted with many Christians from all over the country, and read my new Bible daily. I prayed to God, and listened for His voice to answer. I learned about what it means to be a Christian, and all the ways to make sure I was indeed a good and obedient woman for Christ. I made so many changes both in my own heart and to my family's way of life. For the first time, I felt like I had found my way.
In the spring of 2011, my faith in God and my fellow Christian took a huge hit. I no longer had any way to enjoy fellowship, whether online or in real life. The Bible speaks clearly about how very important it is "to be in the world but not of the world"...or something like that. I felt like God would alternately be out to ruin everything for me, or just not care one iota about me or my family. Slowly over the last year, I've come to realize that many of my beliefs are no longer compatible with Christianity as I had been taught.
Looking back at that time in my life, I can safely say that I was trying desperately to be someone I am clearly not. I've always been weird and liberal with a wise ass sense of humor. None of that is acceptable in the Christianity I was taught. I wanted so badly to have friends and be accepted by God that I forced myself to believe I was not the woman I am deep inside.
It's been a hard thing to realize. My religion was creating more problems in my life than any religion is supposed to. My faith, the things I hold dear deep in my heart, had faded into an occasional sense of righteous indignation. It created some pretty huge issues in my marriage as well.
Despite having to let go of my religion for my sanity's sake, I have found my faith. I have the freedom to be who I was created to be. I can follow my heart without guilt. Although I no longer identify as Christian, I recognize that a lot of that probably has to do with what I was taught to be true Christianity. I leave all of that open for re-examination down the line. Right now, I'm just enjoying being me. I haven't been that person in a long time, and it's nice to be back.